Just a chick trying to figure out life. These are my confessions.

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The DSM Bloggess

So there I am! Living it up in my 30-somethings with a ridiculously hot hubby, 3 seriously outgoing matter-of-fact smart beautiful kids, a cat named Roxii that just won't quit, 2 chihuahuas named Lokii (what was I thinking) and Brodii who don't understand the concept of pee outside.

I'm a strongly opinionated, outspoken, inappropriate and absolutely unapologetic chick going through this thing called life and trying to do it with my sanity intact. So far, this isn't working out so well!

Follow me as I confession myself straight to the LCBO. My rants, my way...you've been warned ;) Xo

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I Want To Be A Better Bitch

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Alright guys, I said 2020 was going to be a change year for me and I am now ready to tell you all, this is why.

Back in October of 2019, towards the end of October, I had gone to my doctor to talk shop about some test results (lump in my boob) and to again address another obvious, and most frustrating, concern of mine for the last decade or so, my fat ass.

"OMG just go to the gym", "Stop eating junk", "You are the reason you are overweight so instead of whining, do something about it".

First of all, fuck you all!

Second of all, most of the people that think this shit are all fucking morons. These people clearly don't suffer from a food addiction like I do, and have, for decades. Food addictions are like any other addiction except you MUST have food to live. Please let that sink in. In order to live, you need to fuel your body with food. Although there is an obvious difference between good and bad food choices, at the end of the day I still have to eat food. I can't just stop. I also do not eat shit food all day, every day. I eat LOTS of healthy food. Do you see the problem with that statement? I eat emotionally and socially. I suffer from an addiction. And oddly enough it is just as bad as being addicted to many many other things.

Something else I get to struggle with is mental health. Since I was 14 and started to put a lot of things into perspective and had shitty childhood things come to the surface that I tried to keep hidden away and started to replace emotional garbage with something physical, with food, to 'deal' with it.

Fast forward to where I am now and although I'm mentally stable with medications, for the most part fuckers, don't look at me like that lol, I have to experience the double edged sword. What do I mean? Well, despite the formula we have put together to keep me a functioning mental health patient, the side effect is my metabolism is virtually non-existent to the point that I have to work "2 to 3 times harder than someone else" to achieve the same. The easiest example to use for this is exercise. So instead of working out for an hour at a time let's say, I have to work out 2 to 3hrs at a time in order to achieve something along the same results.

Fuck. That.

I hardly have enough time in the day to see how I could put 1hr in at the gym, but 2 to 3???? Crazy people do that. People with money who can afford to only work part time OR that do not have kids and other responsibilities so working out in the gym for 2 to 3 hours at a time is a thing.

Also keep in mind that it isn't just the physical side, it is also the food side. I have to fight with myself daily to not eat like a total fucking lunatic but now I have to get this addiction down to a science with hard core restrictions and still keep it all together? I'm tired just trying to grasp that idea. I could go on for ages about all the above and it would be a never ending battle and bitch fest so I will spare and get right to the point.

I discussed options with my doctor and after some research and chats we came up the last tool that I have available to me to give myself a fighting chance at finding me again, and being my best self, bariatric surgery.

My referral went in around the end of October, beginning of November and finally mid November I got the call that my referral was accepted and I was being placed with Toronto Western Hospital for their bariatric surgery program.

After some back and forth, and despite having an orientation date set for January 27th, I had my file transferred to St Joe's in Hamilton because of the home to work to hospital ratio. It makes more sense to go to Hamilton than it does Toronto.

After the transfer, probably 3 or 4 days, I got a call from the Wharton Medical Clinic about them taking my file over because of the wait times and back log they have with the number of patients they have.

I have attended the orientation last week and will meet with the nurse on Monday. I am VERY excited about this potential surgery and hope that I can become an approved patient within the next few months.

I plan to post about this entire process for several reasons, one of them being accountability and another to inform and educate others like me that this is a viable option. That it is NOT the lazy way out or cheating (I'll be addressing that in another post) and that I cannot wait to find my best self again with this tool.

2020 is the year people. I am definitely ambitchous. I definitely desire to be a better bitch. I WILL be one.