I have nothing to say except I am so completely and utterly disgusted with myself. To see your weight going up instead of down is depressing as shit and just makes you want to eat and be more depressed.
For those that say the scale is just a number I need to tell you to STFU. People who are on their way in their weight "loss" journey can say this. People who are struggling immensely to get started NEED that number and when everything is going absolutely shit, seeing that number hit something you have NEVER seen before is beyond a motivation killer. It is simply a killer...of everything.
I am so seriously shattered. I feel 10000000000% defeated.
And don't give me the "only you can change you" shit either because I don't have time for me. I spend all my energy on everything else around me and silently suffer. The amount of guilt that rides on my shoulders when I do take some time out for me absolutely destroys me.
How do you get yourself motivated when you can't find the time or when you do finally find it your motivation and self esteem etx come along and kick you in the face.
Ugh. Fuck this. I'm so beyond being able to describe the anger and frustration at this point. Just. Done.
