My name is procrastination.
I am the world's biggest put it off'er...(yes it's a phrase, promise!)
I am one miserable cow right now on Jan 5th at 4.09pm.
I am sitting back and reflecting on 2013 and realized that I had this blog once upon a time, and then left it...abandoned, like my whole 'get fit' system.
What happened?
I honestly don't have any particular excuse. My excuse is that I always have one.
Everything goes really good for the first while, then something happens and I immediately become ridiculously depressed and eat myself into stupid oblivion and let everything else go to the crappy. WHY!?! Why do I do this to myself all the time.
I don't yo-yo diet. I don't even believe in diet. I believe is being mindful of what you eat and using common sense. Take out 21 times a week is clearly not healthy. Actually I could argue that point really because it will depend on where you are actually getting it from.
Point is...I suck.
I quit. I quit because I am weak. Or at least this is how I feel when I get on the scale, get miserable and then continue to add to the problem instead of fixing it. I struggle with myself, no one else, on where and when I need to do things to fix this.
I just finished reading a friend of mine's post on his workout "fails" as he appeared to be looking at it and my first thought was to smack him. Why? Because at least he is TRYING to do something. Not even trying, he IS doing something about it.
I can coach and cheer anyone on to victory hands down. I have been a natural for that for as long as I can remember. However, when it comes to myself I am so completely horrible and defeated it's ridiculous. I also beat myself down. I make jokes about being fat and miserable all the time like it doesn't bug me but it does...big time.
Unfortunately like everything these days, finding someone to support and motivate me comes at a cost. I see people around me all affiliated with this place or another and getting free memberships to places and winning contests and products and have a huge wealth of resources to pull from and I'm really just pissing jealous.
Sure there are friends that say I will support you and we can do this etc but my problem with that is it's really hard to get and feel supported from someone who has never struggled with a weight related issue in their life. NOT implying that these people don't suffer from self confidence issues or have some other thing going on but when their bodies can go out for dinners, stuff themselves like mad, drink daily and lead not to active lifestyles and still look phenomenal...I want to gouge out their eyes.
I also suffer from frump syndrome. WTF is that? Oh god if you only knew. 90% of my wardrobe consists of hoodies and track pants. Mostly because I can't stand fitted clothes when I'm at fat as I am and anything that looks good doesn't come in the extra big sizes so then I'm limited to stupid shit. Or then fact that I can't afford to go shop at bigger girls stores. I'm broke as fuck in general but shopping for myself not only makes me feel guilty but it makes me throw up in my mouth just a little bit...ok, more like a lot.
If I had a wish it would be to have someone that was exclusively dedicated to me (or gives me that impression of course) that could support and whoop my ass into shape with my schedule. That would be a dream come true. I know once I get going and it's going good I would be fine but I just cannot get passed that initial hurdle and it's a giant goddamn let down.
*sigh*
Alright I'm getting off my horse now. But I will be back to use this blog again...and again...and again until I can just get it right for a change.
I am the world's biggest put it off'er...(yes it's a phrase, promise!)
I am one miserable cow right now on Jan 5th at 4.09pm.
I am sitting back and reflecting on 2013 and realized that I had this blog once upon a time, and then left it...abandoned, like my whole 'get fit' system.
What happened?
I honestly don't have any particular excuse. My excuse is that I always have one.
Everything goes really good for the first while, then something happens and I immediately become ridiculously depressed and eat myself into stupid oblivion and let everything else go to the crappy. WHY!?! Why do I do this to myself all the time.
I don't yo-yo diet. I don't even believe in diet. I believe is being mindful of what you eat and using common sense. Take out 21 times a week is clearly not healthy. Actually I could argue that point really because it will depend on where you are actually getting it from.
Point is...I suck.
I quit. I quit because I am weak. Or at least this is how I feel when I get on the scale, get miserable and then continue to add to the problem instead of fixing it. I struggle with myself, no one else, on where and when I need to do things to fix this.
I just finished reading a friend of mine's post on his workout "fails" as he appeared to be looking at it and my first thought was to smack him. Why? Because at least he is TRYING to do something. Not even trying, he IS doing something about it.
I can coach and cheer anyone on to victory hands down. I have been a natural for that for as long as I can remember. However, when it comes to myself I am so completely horrible and defeated it's ridiculous. I also beat myself down. I make jokes about being fat and miserable all the time like it doesn't bug me but it does...big time.
Unfortunately like everything these days, finding someone to support and motivate me comes at a cost. I see people around me all affiliated with this place or another and getting free memberships to places and winning contests and products and have a huge wealth of resources to pull from and I'm really just pissing jealous.
Sure there are friends that say I will support you and we can do this etc but my problem with that is it's really hard to get and feel supported from someone who has never struggled with a weight related issue in their life. NOT implying that these people don't suffer from self confidence issues or have some other thing going on but when their bodies can go out for dinners, stuff themselves like mad, drink daily and lead not to active lifestyles and still look phenomenal...I want to gouge out their eyes.
I also suffer from frump syndrome. WTF is that? Oh god if you only knew. 90% of my wardrobe consists of hoodies and track pants. Mostly because I can't stand fitted clothes when I'm at fat as I am and anything that looks good doesn't come in the extra big sizes so then I'm limited to stupid shit. Or then fact that I can't afford to go shop at bigger girls stores. I'm broke as fuck in general but shopping for myself not only makes me feel guilty but it makes me throw up in my mouth just a little bit...ok, more like a lot.
If I had a wish it would be to have someone that was exclusively dedicated to me (or gives me that impression of course) that could support and whoop my ass into shape with my schedule. That would be a dream come true. I know once I get going and it's going good I would be fine but I just cannot get passed that initial hurdle and it's a giant goddamn let down.
*sigh*
Alright I'm getting off my horse now. But I will be back to use this blog again...and again...and again until I can just get it right for a change.
