Well I had this really great first post. It was pretty good and I was happy with it. Then I tried moving it over to a different account so that there wasn't any actual association with the me that people could piece together. Then what happened? A giant oops. An oops so big it resulted in me losing the post and now I gotta try to remember how it went...which I won't, because that was written in the heat of the moment where it was fresh. This below will be my pathetic attempt to do it again.
..
*and holding...*
...
*still holding*
...
*annnnnnnnd exhale*
So I'm sitting here at the keyboard and I've no idea what to say. Well I lie. In fact, I have a lot to say...too much almost but I just don't know where to start. Partially because I'm in denial I think, or rather have been. Saying something out loud is liberating I guess for a lot of people. For me? Welllll because I was saying it out loud to myself in private, or to a very close friend through text...sometimes even out loud in front of those same people it was ok. But did it help? Clearly no it didn't. I thought that made me accountable for my actions.
*deep breath*
Really?? This shouldn't be such a big deal. It's not like I haven't said it before. Hmm, maybe that's the problem. I've "said" it...not actually put in down in writing, on a large scale, utilizing the web and all this blogging greatness to inform everyone else. Am I delusional in thinking that somehow saying it to the world makes it different this time? Bat shit.
I'm miserable. Utterly.
I'm also stalling. I figure the longer I hold out talking about it, the better it will get. Maybe even so much better I won't have to actually use this blog as a way to vent it out. Sitting with sweating palms staring at the white screen trying to put shit into words is a hard process. It sucks even more when that process involves having your stomach toss and turn to the point you think you might vomit.
Awesome right?
That's it. I'm just going to go ahead and post it. Explain why the hell I'm turning into a bumbling idiot and thinking that there is someone else going to actually waste their time reading about my shit. Hmm...when I think about it like that it almost makes it easier to invite you to take this adventure with me. Adventure?! WTF. This isn't an adventure. It's a long awaited train wreck series of my other life...the one that is obvious but that I don't talk to people about...at least not honestly. I try to pass it off as just a little something that irritates me and bugs me when deep down it actually makes me so entirely disgusted with myself that I can't even stand to look in a mirror at all...literally.
Should I call it a journey? I don't think that's even right. That would imply that I'm leading you to discover something exciting like the 8th wonder of the world. Ha. Maybe I in fact AM the 8th wonder. *barf*
Well, I guess it's time to just come right out with it. I'm going to state something so obvious you are going to want to throat punch the monitor just for spending the time to read it. Either way I'm going to do it anyways, and then I'm going to figure this shit out.
I'm fat. Not just 5lbs over, I'm clinically considered morbidly obese...which is grotesque in itself because I am only actually 50-60lbs overweight and I never wanted to be classified the same way someone who is hundreds and hundreds of pounds overweight is, but there you have it. Is that fair to say? No probably not, but I don't really give a shit. At the end of the day I'm still fat any way you look at it.
The question is now what?
This, is my story!
